turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
I don't care if shes your sisters age. Once someone is on my to do list theres only one way to get them off it
I just sold some kid a bong I made out of a vuvuzela for $50. I think I found my career path.
i feel like im paying for every hangover i didnt experience last year as a freshman. thank you sophomore year.
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
Wednesday is my day of reflection and making my dick and balls into shapes. So i'll be pretty busy.
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
The playlist was "songs to sing in the shower". I literally got fucked to Footloose.
Setting myself up for trouble? Yes. But getting laid is a lot more important at this time.
Randomize