I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
I dont even care how hung over I am, and how shitty this bus ride will be. That was the best sex of my life and it's a beautiful morning.
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
Dude. I am seriously trying SO hard not to be amused by Honey Boo Boo. But the fact is, she just got a mani pedi with her gay uncle Poodle, and he got a discount because he only has nine toes, and I am ALL IN.
Lets just say that a certain piercing set off certain alarms when I went thru the airport detector/scanner thingie. David was high fived like 12 times.
He drives a tundra! Of course I fucked him. Im just saying eventually im going to need help moving and he has a nice truck. Its like thank you for later on
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
Couch. On fire.
I could be the Kenny Powers of Sex Therapists.
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
Ok, you agree to the terms? We can have sex, but this doesn't mean we're back together...it just means we're working on things. Got it? Sign here.
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