My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
Do you think if I puke at the gym they think is because I'm going hard walking on the treadmill?
Who knew that one of those cheesy light up equalizer shirts would be the light that all those drunk college girls gathered like moths around?
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
He was wearing an Affliction shirt, a Monster hat, and he asked me for anal within 5 minutes of meeting me. Like 3 strikes and you're out, bro.
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
We smoked a huge blunt and then laid in bed naked eating strawberry shortcake good humor bars. We have the perfect relationship.
i just realized... if i ever hook up with someone on my bed, we'll be fucking atop my animated batman themed bedset.
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
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