i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
WHY are the edges of my bra charred???
The more I stare at her and block out what she's actually saying with thoughts of what she could be saying, the more interested I become
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
Did I get stoned on a sunday afternoon and speak to someone on the phone for an hour about cats and their behaviour? Glad you asked. And yes.
wanna come over? I have movies.
sure, what movies
porn or disney, your choice
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
I had a rough night. I'm just gonna lay here and masturbate for a while before I have to go adult.
You took nana to a bar?!
she suggested it
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
Randomize
