fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
thats the last time i clean cum out of my retainer.
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
It hit me after I slept with his best friends and brother, that maybe I took it a bit far
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
I don't have any soul left to be crushed.
It's not a walk of shame if you run
Hiding in a kitchen with no pants orange juice abs a pillow...please joun
I haye tequella
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
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