I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
after last night, i judge her for not breaking up with me
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
Lesbian chick is doing her presentation on the time she woke up on the dockside still drunk at 7 am. This is why I show up to chinese class.
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
I JUST LIKE FLANNEL, NOT VAGINAS! OK?
Neighbour is sobbing. Difficult to masturbate.
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
His hair is as curly as mine. It was like watching me go down on myself.
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