I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
well... just scaled a wall and entered the bar through the balcony. just making some last minute memories nbd.
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
What has two arms, one testicle and no credit card debt? This guy.
We should probably go now, otherwise the whores will descend.
You showed them your nipple for dollars for the jukebox. You were depressed because only one of your songs played. Oh then you twisted your ankle and blamed it on your mad stripper skills.
No shame in my game.
I just pulled the nickels from earlier out of my bra in class. The guy next to me is either terrified or intrigued.
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
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