Just saw the true definition of the muffin top and camel toe all on one person at the DC zoo... Tried to take a pic but she got away..
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
Well I blew a guy I barely know in full view of a homeless camp. That's pretty tame for me.
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
She had caution tape on her head and she blew me.
Im going to bed. I'm seeing 7 of everything and my world smells like gravy
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
Although, she is an extremely cool person. She put the "buddy" in "fuck buddy." And I mean that in the most respectful way possible.
Randomize
