FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
I didnt realize my nipple ring fell out until he coughed it up.
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
I'm going to be fiscally responsible and buy a handle.
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
He just sent me the contact information about getting the Zebra for graduation...
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
You owe me a one night stand and a line. Possible an inflatable flamingo as well. And a caesar salad.
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