So drunk its hurt
he threw mangos from the tree he was in at people and got arrested for harassment
I love how my cats smell like pot.
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
I need to wear something that says I would have sex with you but I'm not going to
I need more than 2 fuckable people this is an outrage
Let's celebrate our country being screwed by screwing.
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
Randomize
