Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
Lowest moment of my life just occurred. I literally threw up all over myself in front of my parents.
Either way, he made a blog for his cat.
you inspire me to be a worse person
she fascinated with the iron the back of the toilet seat. she made me sit in the bathroom with her for a solid 10 minutes while she just stared and laughed at it
I gave you a lap dance in a bowling alley... And I was Fine?
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
i am an animal i am literally locking myself in my house and not coming out for a week i don't deserve to be in public
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
there are not enough nopes in the world for that situation.
We spent 45 minutes searching the crevices of our friend's car with a pair of tweezers trying to find the acid that we dropped
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
You ever fart so hard it made you cum a little? A "friend of mine" wanted to know.
Randomize
