covered in glitter, my cheek hurts, and theres a handprint on my face. Would i do it again. Absolutly
My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
Just got new surround sound speakers for my computer... I feel like I'm actually IN the porn now.
Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
Well I turned her sobriety into my own personal drinking game
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
You showed me your butthole that's like a mating call in other species
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
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