he said he doesnt sext because the government can tap that kind of shit too. no boobie pics for him.
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
It's like the last supper of drinking before the summer ends
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
They gave me patron and potatoes I couldn't say no
i think i just asked a donut if it was ok
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
He climbed over 2 rows of the cab and told some random girl we were riding with that he would be in the back seat if she wanted to have sex
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
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