I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
I plan on offering nudes to any guy that wants to give me notes from the past five weeks of class
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
I think I'm interested in anyone that recognizes I actually have a pulse
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
Lmfao I'm not trying to have a pissing contest over acid with my mom.....
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
I lost a shoe at the club last night, I think that's when I decided to go home.
He stopped me in the middle of a blow job to call his grandma for her birthday.
At least he has family values.
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
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