The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
who do i root for if I want Christiano Ronaldo to win the world cup on a team by himself and then bang chicks on the pitch?
We removed her tutu and her cape, so there's no risk of her strangling herself.
he matches the description of mystery hookup #2, 4, and 7
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
now to finish some work and then i think i'll work out. or garden. or at the very least I'll continue eating frozen grapes and take more drugs
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
I'm not drunk or hungover and I don't have to work. My body is sooo confused!
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
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