I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
She sang Bad Romance to me. Not really the answer I was looking for.
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
Chapter 6 - how to lose your underwear in chicago
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
You said that you were drinking out of a pan, and then went on to apologise to 'Jesus and all the other guys' for drinking on a Sunday.
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
I just saw a fat girl roll down the steps taking out three people with her, thought you should know.....
My puffy vagina and I are on the way to the doctor to see what your mutant penis did to us THANKS A LOT
Nothing $200 worth of strippers and spicy fried chicken couldn't fix.
I decided to have a date tonight. Back on horse I go. Or aiming to be on a horse cock one day. You know. However that metaphor goes.
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
Randomize