Hallmark should totally make "congratulations on getting your period" cards...I feel they would be quite popular.
proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
i slept with her, drove her to her sisters house to babysit, and then drove around the block where i met her sister and had sex with her in my van. I'm family Friendly!
And if not, hey- I've never had a restraining order before, so that will be cool
It could be our claim to fame
Done. I'll pack a cooler.
You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
After he finished he laid there and told me how much work that just was. I looked at him and told him not to ruin a good thing by opening his mouth.
Im selling my dirty underwear to pay for that cruise. NO JUDGEMENT . I love you lol ❤❤ also dont tell anyone
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
Randomize
