You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
i called her out for picking her nose in public and he still wonders why i don't like her!
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
Why is your signature on my underwear?
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
maybe if I avoid him long enough we could skip the talking part of "we need to talk"
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
Well start with a list of things you don't want to do... Like maybe 1) I don't want join Isis. That's a good start.
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
Like you can't just be like oh bb and THEN SEND ME A FUCKING PICTURE OF MY 8TH GRADE FAT SELF IN A TACO COSTUME
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
Laying on my driveway in my pajamas in the sun having my severe hangover cigarette, and the daycare house across the street is having playtime in the yard! I believe I'm currently being what's known as a "bad example!"
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
Randomize
