dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
i think the sales of Rosetta Stone are directly related to the size of that woman's tit's
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
nope. It turned out i wasnt the drunkest person asleep in tacobell parking lot.
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
My roommate walked in naked grabbed my hand and pulled me into her room to see her randoms dick.
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
Randomize
