M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
He keeps asking where i got my clothes and accessories. i'm not sure if he wants to fuck me, or go shopping.
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
Jameson and I invented street rugby last night. Yeah
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
I found him passed out against a dryer in the girls washroom, in front of an old woman was trying to figure out how to dry her hands.
On way back. With a shopping cart. Minimal casualties.
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
It's not even 11, i dropped a shot glass, nick is bleeding, and everyone is drunk
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
so you might not believe this but he made a powerpoint. and gave you a 3.5/10.
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
Randomize
