My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
There is a really great story behind the missing Coco Puffs and vodka mystery
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
WHY IS FOOD SO DELICIOUS
BECAUSE SCIENCE
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
Hes done the math! Hes calculated how much sex it's going to take to fuck 365 miles. Now thats a little brother im proud of. New resolutions are a go!
I was gonna jerk off, but then I thought about that movie last night and it killed that idea. I have serious boner trauma.
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
She said I'm going to get you stoned and have you fuck me on the couch.
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
I just took a plan B pill with my preworkout. That's the level I'm on today.
Randomize
