My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
don't worry, your friend will b fine, they treat virgins nicely around here
in literally every picture i'm wearing less and less of my costume.
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
U know that drunk state, where at 930 the next morning your sitting in a bath in ur bathing suit trying to sober up...yeah. That's where i am..
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
You puked on the bar then proceeded to walk out. I told the bartender some girl walked up, puked and left and he gave me a free drink. Hope you got home safe.
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
I fucked your neighbor. Welcome to the new apartment!
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
Randomize
