I'm looking for sex. Do you know her?
Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
Dude i'm seriously thinking about his nipples.
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
I would rather deep fry my own cock while it's still attached to me than have his life.
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
i dont get why youre mad at me. i promised you he looked like jim morrison and you failed to ask me like which era
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
We lost a person.... if you see a man in yellow shorts and nothing else walking around let me know...
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
Randomize
