Last night we were drunk and talking about rude things, I mentioned felching and had to explain it to everyone. Everyone was disgusted and asked how I knew about such filth and I told them you told me. Don't get mad. Also a quck heads up, you might get gifts of straws at work,
we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
I just forgot I was standing up.
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
Well, I currently have zero fuckboys and my vibrator just broke. A fresh start to May.
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
Randomize
