is it a bad sign that i now think of my run-ins with cops as "skill building seminars"?
um, yeah. i think it is.
I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
Currently in the bathroom stall of a gay bar in new haven giving myself an anti throw up pep talk
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
I realized after pounding back 151 and head banging into each other to "the drop" of that dub step song, that we weren't meant to have boyfriends at this point in time.
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
Randomize
