I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
I had just got her shirt off when I realized that I was about to fuck Chewbacca from Star Wars. The way she moaned confirmed that I was.
you said you get the best orgasms off Pez dispensers. how do you think he felt????
it's 8 a.m. and there are people having sex at the foot of the strangers bed i'm in. the guy just asked the girl how she lost her baby weight so fast.
I don't think my prof knows we've noticed her No Bra Fridays.
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
Jazzercise themed birthday pub crawl. 6 bars in 6 hours.everyone was a hot mess.
I want to own their dicks and all the attachments
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
Also I would love to pregame at your place if I weren't stuck at mine drinking laxatives
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
Stacy lit a fart and burn half of the couch down before we can put the Flames out. Bring your truck.
Randomize
