I'm pretty sure that he just gave me the ginger disease
I wish life had little blips of pornography
We were busted for public indecency in the back of my car in the parking lot. This time we were just reading my Cosmo magazine.
my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
There are twenty thousand men on this campus, please have sex with someone who isn't my drug dealer
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
The night went downhill when he took his pants off at our table and walked up to women saying "Special delivery"
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
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