my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
I'm listening to bach and watching porn,is that a sign of depression?
Quite the contrary. Sophistication.
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
she's a kindergarten teacher now. The teacher desks are the perfect height for fucking. I'm delaying the break up a few weeks.
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
My way of showing team usa support, bronze: handy silver: bj gold: home run. God, I'm patriotic
Yes she scared me. She had NIPPLE CLAMPS ATTACHED TO A STUN GUN.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
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