My room smells like vodka and shame
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"
heres the thing, we have 120 cans of beer left in the fridge. until thats finished we cant fit food in the fridge
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
You went to the animal party as a hoodrat. You won the most creative costume contest.
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
I felt like I was having sex with Joffrey from Game of Thrones. Needless to say how bad it was
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
I know he’s married, but he’s still a guy with balls and a dick. He noticed my cleavage and stared at my ass. He’ll call.
Randomize