I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
Clearly I made an impression.
Or at least your vagina did.
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
Fell asleep on the Grass at Lolla woke up in the Brown line. What. The. Fuck.
He threw up, and left his credit card next to the puddle. He kept on saying he wanted to pay for the damages.
I blew him and did charles barkley impressions at the same time. what a pro
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
My dad just sent me a text reminding me to bring the family beer pong championship belt. Thanksgiving 2012 just got real
You are a piece of meat with a side of awesome to me.
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
ps. i have two very important words to sum up my night
which are?
library sex.
she was just meowing in the corner eating frozen chicken nuggets
Randomize
