2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
If Dave says he's going to have sex with her, he's going to fuck her retarded and turn her crazy. So run.
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
Well yes he stayed. He brought Guiness, them he shaved me. It's a long, but beautiful story.
So we broke my sobriety. Played life size childhood games. Broke into a cold hot tub and got laid. I think this is BFF quality!
It was literally 8 o'clock in the morning. His horniness knows no bounds.
Your the only person to come back from spring break with a non std related infection
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
I can't go to Fassler and not immediately think about you licking a guys wife's butthole in the family restroom
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