He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
He was eating her out on the elevator. What a good man.
By the end of the night i was making legitimate noises not just saying moo.
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
He asked for a foot job. Whatever. I guess I'm swimming in new slut waters tonight.
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
I fell asleep in the bathroom during my mothers dinner party with no pants on. Her friend walked In. I was told to not come back.
i feel like ive seen the light, but not in the nasty christian way. thats gross. say no to jesus, kids
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
He ate me out on a washing machine in the 24 hour laundromat. Whoever watches that security camera footage is getting a show!
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
Randomize