Sorry I wasn't really responding earlier. I was really fucking high and so into that car chase.
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
Jesus Christ that hit just spoke to so many levels of my soul. It's caressing them softly
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
I don't know what happened last night. But I just woke up in the high school boiler room
did i get sucker punched in the face last night or was our make-out session just that intense?
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
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