totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
And if not, hey- I've never had a restraining order before, so that will be cool
It could be our claim to fame
Done. I'll pack a cooler.
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
It's all fun and games until some random starts jerking it on the deck.
PLAN B IS EXPENSIVE ON A $50 A WEEK BUDGET.
He left his boxers here. Can I keep them and make a shrine or would that be creepy?
You rope them in with the looks and the boobs, and I'll bore them into submission with random trivia. We can't lose.
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
Even my conscience is telling me to take this Wednesday's exam buzzed.
Randomize
