It was then that he suggested we all nibble ears. A nibble circle.
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
dude I heard her through my door. She sounded like you were holding her head under water and they letting her up for air. I recorded that shit
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
Have your arms or hands ever gone numb after drinking too much?
Wtf did you do last night?
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
That's it. I'm moving to LA & sitting on his face.
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
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