i friday night watching house. god, i need a life, friends, and a legitimate fake id.
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
Just threw up at the bar from the heat. Fun change of pace.
I think I found an E pill under the couch.. Or really bad tasting candy. Check back in 30min this could get exciting
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
Who is Katie and why do we have her birthday cake?
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
Also fuck yeah conspiracy
Randomize
