I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
We have had massive layoffs this year, yet the guy who cant flush his shit seems to still have a job
i was blowing him and "what if god was one of us" came on his playlist. I had to leave
It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
We got them high and they had an hour long debate on the best way to get cum out of eyes.
you better fuck at least one or both of them.
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
He yearns for your heart.
He needs to stop being a pussy about it.
I am not a slut. I'm just very open with how much I love to have sex. Stop judging.
I might go to an NA meeting just to fuck that boy in the bathroom.
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
Randomize
