Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
To be honest i'm almost glad he got arrested. His girlfriend and i kept making out so i'm pretty sure the alternative was a threesome. Now we're just the trashy girls who visit him in jail.
It feels kinda weird thanking you for sucking my dick, but I just don't know what else to do right now
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
I dont care how drunk you were. Making a bet with MY husband at MY wedding that you could seal the deal before he could is ALWAYS inappropriate!
It's a pretty amazing thing to watch... He used "Rad tits" as his pick up line of the night. And it worked... 3 times
I bet George Washington got SERIOUS head back in his hay day.
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
yeah...well...life isn't all puppies & lap dances
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
Dude, my back STILL hurts from carrying the team on BP last night.
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