Something clean will definitely be barfed on tomorrow.
my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
he's a bartender at a gay strip club. maybe he can work his magic. with getting u in, not gay magic.
just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
My vagina loves me do-dah do-dah my vagina loves me do-dah do-dah
I picture you throwing your vagina around in the same fashion that they pass out candy at a parade.
He's sweet and rough. A wonderful contradiction. He's the starburst of sex.
I know it was a good night because I got a lecture from my roommates mom about stranger danger
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
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