Puking in one of the stalls, a guy ran in and started puking in the other stall... In between heaves we told each other our names; i found out that it was my old best friend that moved away in the 8th grade
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
Careful when you walk in I'm laying by the door.
She devotes each year to either men or women. I waited all year for her to be straight, tonights the night.
Being the adderall dealer on campus, I feel responsible for everyone graduating.
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
What I'm saying is DOWNGRADE. Like, do you see the caps lock?
I can get stoned and we can bake and then I can eat 70% of it and it will be awesome
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
Randomize
