I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
i finally watched harry potter... a tad unrealistic if you ask me... i mean a ginger kid with 2 friends?
I would just watch. I wouldn't even have a boner cuz I would do so much coke. It would just be funny.
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
Dude next time u fuck on our counters will u please let me know BEFORE I make lunch.
I walked into her room to find her sitting on the end of her bed with her heads in her hands talking to herself. She kept muttering things like "What? How? No. What? I don't --- How?" $10 says she's pregnant.
I'll see to your $10 and raise you $40.
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
Well I'm glad your Saturday night went a lot better than mine. I spent mine crying in a McDonald's parking lot.
I still can't believe a guy pooped in my backyard
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Randomize
