The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
I came downstairs to find I had missed the 3some on my kitchen floor but not the pukefest or ER trip after it. This is what happens when the voice of reason is otherwise occupied
I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
There's a patch of dead grass from where you would notoriously throw up after every good night in July. This summer was great.
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
I just wanna get high and take a fucking awesome nap. Those are my goals for the week.
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
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