I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
You asked him for a membership to him and his dick.
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
Clearly it doesn't get better with age. Just more sexual
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
I may or may not have pissed on my floor last night
Welcome to 22
No fair. I need a fuck buddy to entertain me till the power comes back on
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
Ya apperently its not "appropriate" to fuck in the school auditorium
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
I could see the visible disappointment when she saw my penis
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
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