Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
Worst hangover of my career vs the return of the blue balls. Will keep updated
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
I only think it appropriate to apologize for making out with your next boyfriend. It won't happen again.
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
the bruises from climbing out of the window last night make sitting at my desk impossible. legit excuse to not study right?
then he grabbed my tit and yelled "FOR NARNIA!!" then dove into my vag. i think I will do him again strictly for the entertainment value
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
I just ran into my psychology professor at Planned Parenthood she asked why I was there and I asked why she was there and it turns out we both had a scare.#bonding because of abortion.
Randomize
