I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
She didn't get a tit job, she's just wearing the right size bra for once
She was a little thick, but we banged on the beach and fireworks went off as we finished so I think God wanted it
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
Randomize
