The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
I just had sex in a moon bounce. It is all down hill from here.
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
I don't remember his name. I had whataburger on my mind and in my hands so I wasnt really listening
That’s true love. If they recognize a chocolate mold of your anus.
I hope that will b the last time i take off my pants in the chemistry building.
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
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