I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
It was confusing and full of hummus
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
She was so wet my fingers were literally pruney when I got done with her
I couldn't accept the bj. My penis has done nothing wrong and didn't deserve the punishment of her face.
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
Ok wear gym clothes just in case we feel like going shitfaced to the gym
Maybe if he'd step up his game and get a real job instead of donating plasma and trying to grow pot then you wouldn't feel compelled to write prisoners in Oregon.
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
I just really hate taking care of things... If I can't fill it with liquor I'm not sure what to do with it.
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
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