the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
A disheveled girl in front of me just looked down, shrieked, and yelled to the girl next to her "what is this" while pointing at two large white stains near the crotch of her black jeans. I love that Thursdays are weekends, it makes awesome Friday mornings
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
The maintenance guy at work just asked me out for a drink. For once, I proudly said that I was 20.
This is breast cancer awareness month... The least we can do is give a stripper some singles.
just remembered spooning on the cardboard and confessing to each other we had the spins.
sitting alone on a bench with a sombrero and a bottle of vodka. really angry i got here before you guys.
Worst decision of artistic career thus far: bringing a banana to eat on male model day.
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
My roommate is fucking his gf in the shower and i really have to pee do i just bust in or pee on his bed
Now I have to go back and sober fuck him. For science.
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
Randomize
