I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
you know its a sad night when you can actually see and hear sitcoms on at the bar
its like she was born with a silver dick in her mouth
He has a tattoo of a carebear. This is not happening.
Sucks about the cops last night
to be honest when I first looked up I wanted to know who was coming from a costume party..
Sounds good! I plan on writing a book entitled: I've Probably Done Cocaine In Your Bathroom. A tell-all by Lauren.
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
Looks like taco salad for lunch. I may have died and gone to be better circle in hell than I thought.
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
Randomize
