I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
I want to be done crawling through windows but the sex is too good to stop...but I'm running out of excuses for where the bruises on my legs are coming from.
Pulling over on the side of the road to set off fireworks was the worst idea you have ever had. I don't care if it was called a friendship pagoda.
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
I also point out to everyone that she looks like DJ's gf on Roseanne.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
Should I go bust a nut on the beach
It was extremely weird and uncomfortable mid blow job she looks up and says " tell me Simon Cowell makes your dick hard"
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
Your friend was nice but you didn't have to bang her in my kitchen...just sayin.
Randomize
