I wonder who the first pervert was, and if he would be proud of me for advancing his art form by so much
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
Only your vagina holds the key to what happened last night.
He took a banana and in front of everyone showed her how he wanted it done.
Pretty certain he passed out for a while going down on me. Absolutely certain he passed out during the blow job.
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
If there was a saddle on his sack, she would ride it.
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
Does this mean I don't have to apologize for launching about 20 bead necklaces at you from the balcony?
Do to my newly discovered condition I'm having to resort to emergency beat sessions to avoid the temptation to text girls I know are easy slams.
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
Its just akward. Everytime he tells me he loves me, I have to respond with, I love having sex with you. and he just stares at me in amazement
Bacon and your penis are involved. Of course I'm going over.
Randomize
