I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
you just used "cock block" and "youth group" in the same sentence. somethings wrong with you.
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
He leaned out the window to puke right as the fan for the ac turned on. All of it blew back up into his face.
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
I left for five minutes and Chris wound up half in women's clothes, half naked. And the naked half was covered in shamrock stickers.
Literally got mad at him this morning because we didn't have time to have sex for a third time. I think I'm getting greedy.
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
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