I guess calling a coworker a lesbian sea cow is some kind of violation.
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
Your kinda stuck between a rock and his hard dick on this one..
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
Fucking shoot me with this y'all shit. You were in Texas for 2months you do not have an accent Madonna
I seriously need to grocery shop. I have a slice of cheese, and alcohol.
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
Just bought 2 liters of wine and frozen waffles for dinner. Is this 30?
so let me get this straight you just stared at his boner all night?
Randomize
