This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
she said if she won the lottery she'd fuck me... isn't that like government funded prostitution?
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
just wondering who decided to put a cup of throw up in my fridge
want the rest of his teeth to fall out while he slowly dies alone. Pretty sure I'm to the anger phase.
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
well, the two that sent pics I've already been with, so at least its not just BAM HERE'S MY PENIS IN YOUR INBOX ENJOY THOSE MEGAPIXELS
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
Wasn't his fault he kicked a hole in the wall, they should have never tried to give him a bath after tequila.
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
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