My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
maybe next time you shouldn't be drinking alone watching intervention at 3 am and no one would think you needed an intervention.
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
Nobody knows who the hobo or dude who whipped out his balls is
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
Did you hook up with him before or after he shaved off half of his eyebrow?
Did you get any pics? And I can only imagine how inferior you must have felt knowing that somewhere in that room was a guy whose penis was the length of your forearm.
Your feet probs hurt bc the cab driver kicked us out a mile from home after you wouldn't stop screaming "prohibition can suck my dick"
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
I just smoked a joint and ate a sandwich while watching someone get arrested. Bonnaroo is a silly place.
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
Randomize
