good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
At a bar where three women in denim shorts are debating techniques and skillsets for wrangling goats. You stay classy Delaware.
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
Hahaahaah I keep finding little notes you left me on my physics notes... "TOO HIGH FOR BIRDS"
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
Nothing says casual like stairwell bjs
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
I'm not a morning person, and, trust me, no matter how good your cock may be, it will not turn me into one.
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
dollar rum and cokes, see you on the dark side of infinity
I HAD SEX WITH COLBY AND HIS FIVE YEAR PLAN IS TO STEAL A REALLY EXPENSIVE PAINTING AND ASKED ME IF ID BE INTO HELPING HIM AND I WOKE UP IN HIS BED TO A WOMANS TUBE TOP NEXT TO ME
last night someone said that theyd like to do drugs with a dolphin ... judging from the diagram on the wall we figured it out.
all we need now is a dolphin ... and some drugs.
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
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