I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
he refuses to go down on me anymore when he's high because he thinks my clit piercing stares at him
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
I feel like I should limit myself to one meal prepared from a box per day
So... on the count of three, we are going to forget last night ever happened... 1...2...3
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
Is biking from my house to 6th street for liquor pitchers a good idea or a bad idea
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
He told me he loved me and then peed his own bed. So at least it was a memorable one night stand.
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
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