Ladies, we have an appointment at David's Bridal aurora this coming Sunday at 3pm. And an appointment at where ever tequila is served at noon.
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
I can feel my moral fiber fraying.
think I signed up for a 5k last night while blackout.
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
Everyone keeps telling me I look so healthy and happy today: the power of the penis people!!
I know you are gonna wanna ask a lot of questions but when we are home I need to cover your face with deli meat and photograph it
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
I got sprayed in the face with titty milk and I'm still so traumatized
And you will die and be carried in a backpack before I allow you not to comply in this tomfoolery.
My vagina cried when he left. I think she's about to be at war with my self respect.
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
All I can taste is Pickle Juice and Cocaine.
Randomize
