Definitely just saw the guy I went on a date with Friday night dressed in medeival knight gear on the quad preparing for battle. Oh my God.
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
We are winners. And by winners I mean home wrecking sluts
Isn't that what our 20s r for?? Testing the strength of other people's shitty relationships?
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
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