I may have a concussion but the symptoms are the same as a hangover so I can't tell. Best 21st ever.
In the library. Still drunk. Shoes missnig. Term paper due in fiften minutes. Iff I puke u think theyll throw me out?
After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
Well his ex just grabbed his dick and told him yep Ill call u later
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
Fun. You missed it. Michael broke a door with his erection.
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
Randomize
